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Have something on your mind? Need to just "sit a spell" and chat? There's nothing like a "heart to heart" to make sense of life's complexities. We can laugh a little, cry when needed, think awhile about things, or simply refrain from thinking at all as we stop and smell the "magnolias!" Yes, that's this southern girl's favorite flower! So please share your thoughts and questions about life big or small!
starlarich
Oct 9, 2017

Complicated Heart: Part II

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If you have not read "Part I" I encourage you to take a moment to find it in the posts and read! This post

breaks down the joys and pains that come with the privilege of taking on the task of loving a "complicated heart." If you love someone who has been hurt or wounded deeply, your willingness to wait patiently, walk softly and lovingly whisper into their heart will bring a love and devotion unlike either of you have ever known! Below is the second article that I would like to share concerning loving a "complicated heart."

 

How to Love a Woman Who Has Been Through Hell & Back…

She is so WORTH IT!

 

We’ve all been through rough times now and then. Sometimes life kicks us in the teeth, and some of us may suffer the long-term consequences of emotional traumas. With time, all the hurt from the past can gradually become a present depression.

 

For a woman who’s been to hell and back, finding a worthy person who is truly able of sharing love may come as an even greater challenge than overcoming all the difficulties she’s seen before.

 

If you’ve met a woman like this in your life, know that she may be the best thing that has ever happened to you! It would take a lot of strength, patience, and understanding in your efforts to love a woman who‘s seen the worst of life. Yet if you don’t manifest these qualities through your everyday love, it’s not even worth trying in the first place.

 

A woman like this will continuously push you away. She will test you again and again and again. At times, she can be emotionally unpredictable. Despite this, you must love here anyway with all your heart.

 

This woman has been hurt, and you need to understand that she is afraid that she will be hurt again. Her heart may not be ready for another hard blow. Even if you try to explain this to her it may not change anything — only your sincere love can help her.

Finding both commitment and aloneness difficult, a woman in pain lives in a fragile balance for most of the time. Though she may not admit that — because such a confession would show a weakness she doesn’t want to admit, not even to herself. Sometimes, she will want you to be with her; other times, she prefers you go away.

 

But when this woman pushes you away, stay calm and understand her. Like floating on a boat, no amount of resistance will break the waves; only time can do that.

New experiences are difficult for such a woman. Because she doesn’t have any guidance, she is now afraid to let her guard down, and be vulnerable again. It is not your job to act as her knight in shining armor, which would only push her away, or bring her too close for her own comfort. One day, she will be empowered by your own love and brave enough to face her own fears.

 

Especially when she is afraid, show your love to her with full capacity.

This tender woman is used to being ridiculed or abandoned for her insecurities. Or even worse, she may have been hurt by ruthless people who instead of helping her, took advantage of those fears. So now she’s afraid of being herself, because her true self has been hurt so much in the past.

 

She will feel inadequate for your love.

Let it be guys. There is no need for you to prove anything to her — simply continue to love her, along with her feeling of being inadequate. As the hurt pains her, a feeling of being unprepared for the world’s challenges will emerge; this, too, is perfectly fine and will go away in time.

 

Her love will appear tenuous.

Oftentimes, she will not be able to see deeply what feelings are in her own heart. This woman’s tender heart has been cut too many times, and the scars are still there, waiting to be fully healed. Her previous romantic experiences have not involved love like the one you are willing to give her — so she will perceive her present situation through the prism of her past.

 

She is expecting you to leave her, hurt her. And even if you haven’t yet, she is timidly waiting for that moment. If it appears that you won’t do that, then her unconscious actions will start to sabotage your relationship; don’t worry about that, just love her anyway.

 

Whether she seeks to love you or to hurt you, your love must be unconditional.

 

She needs to be in control.

Sometimes, this need of hers may manifest in the form of abuse aimed at you. Again, be aware and calm, don’t react to this, and continue to love her anyway. She is simply acting out against feeling powerless, trying to restore a certain sense of control — being capable to do something about her present situation.

When times are easy, your love must be there and keep her secure. When it’s harder, love her twice as much.

 

You have chosen each other, for better or for worse.

And even when it’s looking worse, even when things seem anything but bright, your love will help you pull everything off and your love will carry you both through.

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  • starlarich
    Jan 31, 2018

    Many years ago a pop song was recorded by R&B icon Aretha Franklin. It became an anthem of women everywhere. It's message was "a declaration from a strong, confident woman, who knows that she has everything her man wants. She never does him wrong, and demands his 'respect.' " When reading the definition of the song's meaning today, one word leaped out at me - "demands." Truthfully, none of us can demand respect. Respect is something that must be earned in our behavior and attitude and then fostered in the heart of the recipient of our actions. The truth is, RESPECT truly is "love in action." When we treat another person with devotion, love, loyalty, courtesy, kindness etc. we are showing them respect and hopefully fostering the same in them towards us. While there is no guarantee that others will respect us, we alone can control if we choose to show them the same respect that we desire to receive. Respect, like love though, is something that we cannot fully give or receive until we have it for ourselves. Speaking from personal experiences of the past, I admit my struggles with both love and with respect. Through difficult times in my life, my self-esteem became whittled away and I lost the confidence in who I was, lost love and self-care as a result and lost respect for myself as a feeling of "unworthiness" caused me to settle for less than I should have in many areas of my life. I allowed others to mistreat me, I did not pursue paths that would be most beneficial for me in areas of career, finances, health, relationships etc. because I was approaching everything from an "empty love tank." My choices were out of need and sometimes even desperation. I was at such a low point that I did not put rational thought into my choices, into my decision-making or even into my strategies and plans. I was staying "one step behind" trying to fill voids that only became deeper with time. It wasn't until I became seriously ill that I began to take a transparent look at the place I had fallen to in my life and heart. I wanted so desperately to be needed and loved, to feel beautiful and desired. I wanted affirmation for the many things I was doing on my job, at my church, with my family and for companions and friends. No matter how much I "performed," how much I gave, how much I tried to love "unconditionally" those around me even when they did not treat me as I desired to be treated, nothing would fill that void inside of me. It only became deeper and deeper. I felt I had been catapulted into a black hole at warp speed. Here's the bottom line. A love tank cannot be filled by others if we are emptying everything out to them and not pouring anything into ourselves. Even the golden rule and ancient scriptures tell us to do to others as we want them to do to us and to "love your neighbor as yourself." During that time of illness, I was no longer able to do the things I had always done - at work, at church, at home and for the people in my life. I will never forget one evening in a time of meditation and prayer. I was too weak to even get out of bed or off the sofa for more than an hour at a time. I felt worthless, useless. Tears found their way down my cheeks as they had so many times before. I sensed I was fading away - physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was then I tried to pray. Though my words would not come, I heard words being spoken deep in my heart. "I don't need your 'stuff' or what you can do for Me or others. I want you. I want to love you and you love Me." God was near to me like He had been so many times. I was loved "for me" - period. It was a lesson in acceptance beyond anything I could describe. I wish I could say I have fully exhibited complete self-love and care since that time, but I haven't. Building one's self-esteem and worth takes time if it has been diminished over many years. I have made more poor decisions, let others take me for granted, stayed too long, put up with too much, neglected to care for my health, failed to fight for what I wanted and needed. But I am growing, learning and challenging myself to be better today and even better tomorrow. Why? Because I am worth it! So are you!!! Respect begins deep in your own heart and is a manifestation of love. So I choose love - for myself until it is overflowing in my love tank out to others. And I will show others ultimate respect by how I treat myself. I'm stepping up to a higher place that only those who love and respect me will take the time to step up with me. Much love and R.E.S.P.E.C.T.!
  • starlarich
    Nov 21, 2017

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From Thanksgiving through New Year's I find myself in my "element," and even though the activities and preparation are exhausting, I find a strength bigger than me from the joy that the season brings. I love baking, helping family, decorating and reflecting on all that truly matters in my life. With that said though, I know for many the holidays are less than joyous. Some are dealing with chronic illness which tends to be like a lead balloon attached to your hot air basket holding you down. Others are dealing with loss of a job, and the pressure of gift-giving or even gathering supplies for baking is an added stress to your already daunting situation. Maybe there is a loss of a relationship that you thought would last forever, and twinkling lights on a tree or the smell of cookies in the kitchen are a painful reminder that you are no longer sharing these moments that once delighted you. 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You might find Him in a meal prepared by a local church or community center, through the care of a nurse on duty at the hospital, in the warmth of glowing lights lining your neighborhood, or the melody of a song that plays at just the right moment as you listen to music on your morning commute. Somehow love, comfort and peace finds you and you realize once again...YOU ARE NOT ALONE...
  • starlarich
    Nov 11, 2017

    Every day there is another voice speaking out. Hearts that have carried hurt, pain and shame in silence from sexual assault, abuse, harassment and even rape. I know those hearts - I'm one of them. For years, I too, carried unspeakable pain in my own heart. There are many reasons why our stories stay hidden. Sometimes it is fear - plain and simple. Fear of the perpetrator, fear of blame being diverted back to the victim instead of the accuser and fear that speaking of it once more will bring back the nightmare, while the truth is, the nightmare doesn't go away in silence - not in our minds and not in the minds of the perpetrator. Our silence doesn't buy them, nor does it give us peace. At other times, people hesitate in telling their story because it is like a sore that is scabbed over. They do not want to bump it or pick at it to cause it to rip open again and produce fresh pain and extend the time for healing. The irony of that it is, the sore isn't healing at all in our silence - it is festering and infecting our spirit and soul. Another common reason that some victims of sexual assault remain silent is because they are closely connected to the perpetrator. It could be a boss, co-worker, neighbor, relative, even boyfriend or spouse. The woman either wants to protect that person or feels that no one would believe her - especially if the person has a perceived "good" reputation in the community or society at large. Abusers are masters of deception and manipulation. For me personally, my experiences were with my spouse many years ago and then with an old high school friend many years afterwards. In the first instance, it was a dysfunctional love that wanted to hide and protect my husband - coupled with fear of his irrational behavior. In the second instance with the high school acquaintance, it was crippling fear due to the threats he made to silence me. In both instances, the men were well-known in the community, had reputable jobs and careers. One was a minister, the other former military officer and government employee. I was just so afraid no one would believe me. The revelations coming out on so many now, prove just how rampant this evil is in our society. People are asking why many of these women are finally speaking out after all this time. I think the answer is in the fact that their is "strength in numbers." Victims no longer feel they are alone in their suffering and feel free to reveal the secrets they've hidden for many years. I have thought much about the feelings of validation that come with standing with other women who have suffered. When we wrap each other up in affirmation and validation, it is like finding safety inside a cocoon while we are developing and growing into all that we are made to be. The fact is, each woman (or man, boy or girl) who has suffered sexual misconduct of some sort forget who they are, lose their sense of worth and value and fail to see their own beauty because of the dirty feelings of shame that result of these horrible acts. Resting in that cocoon of safety with others produces growth and metamorphosis until that beauty breaks through and is revealed again in its full splendor! Whatever the reason for staying silent, there are many more reasons to make a choice to be heard. Just look at the results coming forth everywhere now! Victims are becoming victors, perpetrators are finally facing the consequences of their behavior and society is being forced to take a long look at the "open" secrets that they have tried to sweep under the rug or hide in the closet for many years. I finally shared my story and made my voice heard publicly about three years ago because of the love and support of my family and my son, as well as a man who took the time to understand my pain, hurt and shame. He did not question me or judge me. He did not doubt me. In fact he stood by me ready to fight my perpetrator. He wrapped me in a cocoon of love and acceptance and helped me to find my true beauty again. He saw beauty in me when I no longer saw it in myself. Where would we all be without our cocoons? Do you have those who wrap you in love and safety? Have you found the courage to let your voice be heard? If not, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!